Above Snakes-- Alive.
Accord-- Harmony.
Accordion-- An instrument in harmony with the sentiments of an assassin.
Acknowledge the corn-- Admit the truth.
Actually-- Perhaps, possibly.
Adam's Ale-- Water.
Air-- A nutritious substance supplied by a bountiful Providence for the fattening of the poor.
Alien-- An American sovereign in his probationary state.
Art-- This word has no definition.
At Sea-- Lost, don't understand.
Bar Dog-- Bartender.
Beauty-- The power by which a woman charms a lover and terrifies a husband.
Beef-- To kill.
Birth-- The first and direst of all disasters.
Born days-- Lifetime.
Confidence--Something you feel before you fully comprehend the situation.
Dance--To leap about to the sound of tittering music preferably with arms about your neighbors wife or daughter.
Diary-- A daily record of that part of one's life which she can relate to herself without blushing.
Epitaph-- An inscription on a tomb, showing that virtues acquired by death have a retroactive effect.
Faith-- Belief without evidence in what is told by one who speaks without knowledge, of things without parallel.
Flag-- A colored rag.
Gallows-- A stage for the performance of miracle plays which the leading actor is translated into heaven.
In'ards--The stomach, heart, soul and other bowels.
Lunarian-- An inhabitant of the moon, as distinguished from Lunatic, one whom the moon inhabits.
Manicheism-- The Ancient Persian doctrine of an incessant warfare between good and evil, when good gave up the fight the Persians joined the victorious opposition.
Misfortune-- The kind of fortune that never misses.
Noise-- A stench in the ear.
November-- The eleventh twelfth of weariness.
Opiate-- An unlocked door to the prison of identity.
Peace-- In international affairs, a period of cheating between two periods of fighting.
Plagiarize-- To take the thought or style of another writer whom one has never, never read.
Reality-- The dream of a mad philosopher.
Redskin-- A North American Indian, whose skin is not red-at least not on the outside.
Sage Hen-- Woman
Sparkle Up-- To hasten.
Twice-- Once too often.
Definitions mostly from Ambrose Bierce, that strange Westerner who vanished into thin Mexican air.